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Miggybyte 9
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1996-10-06
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2KB
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48 lines
UK Vice Squads Recruit Censorship Officials
Phil Snell
Applications are invited from suitably qualified candidates to join a
specialist team of Usenet Censors being set up by the Metropolitan Police
Clubs and Vice Unit. Successful applicants will have the opportunity to
work with leading edge Censorship Technology (CT) equipment developed in
the Met's own forensic science laboratories.
In order to identify the broadest range of pornagraphic material, Clubs
and Vice are seeking to establish a pool of censors posessed of a wide
variety of sexual predilictions. Accordingly, they require candidates
whose sexual preferences fall into the following main groups: men,
women, boys, girls, arm pits, big toes, little toes, and aubergines.
This is not an exhaustive list and candidates who believe they have a
particular vice which is not represented in the list should reply in
confidence stating why they think it should be included. Evidence of
depravity or corruption is desirable but not essential.
Remember, by becoming a Usenet Censor you can turn your perversion to
public service.
Successful candidates will operate from a newly constructed censorship
suite in the basement of Clubs and Vice's Agar Street headquaters. Each
censor (all male) will sit at a personal workstation which will be
running sophisticated detect and destroy antisalaciousness interactive
software. Interactivity is provided by an advanced electrodynamic
condom. The condom, fitted with electrodes, responds to changes in
erectile pressure and gives a readout from 0 to 1 depending on the state
of penile arousal. Nicknamed the 'hardonmeter', the apparatus is
extremely sensitive and boasts an accuracy of .001 of a hardon.
Images from submitted Usenet articles are displayed on the workstation
console whilst a Bouncy Blue Blob dances over the image under the control
of the software. An ingenious algorithm optimises the size and position
of the Bouncy Blue Blob to achieve a minimum reading from the
hardonmeter. The Bouncy Blue Blob is then fixed into place with some
cyberglue and the sanitised article is passed for general distribution by
the kingdom's ISP's.
Application forms are obtainable from your local job centre.
END
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